Mommy-cation

After a brief escape from my life, I learned 5 things:

  1. I love travelling (even alone)
  2. I can accomplish a lot when I’m not on a schedule
  3. Technology makes travelling alone WAY less lonely
  4. Underwear is over-rated
  5. Rompers are the cats pajamas

I stayed at the Westin Mission Hills Resort and Spa in Palm Springs. If you’ve never been, by all means you can take my word for it. ITS AMAZING! The staff, the facility, everything was wonderful. I spent the entire trip making plans to return.

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There are so many amazing takeaways from my little getaway experiment. It was easy, I got much needed rest and relaxation and I proved to myself that travelling alone is not as awful as I thought it would be. I was finally able to sit outside my life for a few days and reflect on where I am and where I want to be. As I mentioned in my “Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained” post, this trip was brought on by the overwhelming need to escape my responsibilities. My life had become a burden and I felt such intense pressure to be everything to everyone. I spent 4 days doing nothing but what I wanted and a magical thing happened… I became immensely grateful for everything in my life. Prior to this trip, I was stuck in a rut. Not really understanding what the hell I worked so hard for and truly believing I was failing in almost every aspect of my life as a mother and wife. I work very hard to provide for my family and like many women, felt it was my job to sacrifice and put everyone else’s needs before my own. While it’s secretly penned (in very fine detail) into the motherhood job description to put your children before yourself, what I’ve learned is that doesn’t mean you must neglect your own needs, wants and desires. I’m tired of believing that in order to be a good mother I’m not allowed to want for myself.

During my trip I read an entire book without interruption. WHAT!! It was amazing. I also unknowingly picked the perfect book. “Recipes for a Beautiful Life – A Memoir in Stories” by Rebecca Barry. This woman gives such a powerful depiction of how hard it is to be a working mother of 2 children. All the while trying to follow her dreams and balance the pressures of motherhood and wifedom.  Any woman who might even remotely relate should read this book. It’s raw, real and not surprisingly funny. I spent my mornings leisurely drinking coffee and writing on my patio. My afternoons were relaxed by the pool reading, enjoying a cocktail or two and the sun on my skin. My evenings were just as uneventful but equally blissful, wandering the resort and binge watching bad Netflix television while crocheting until midnight. Doesn’t sound so bad or scary now does it? Seriously, I challenge anyone who thinks they couldn’t travel alone to consider it.

While another day or so would’ve been lovely, I returned to reality with more confidence and energy than I’ve had since before I had children. I have a much more grateful heart and am working on being mindful of my limitations. I’m excited to have the motivation to once again build and create the things I want in my life.

Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

I have been considering and reconsidering this idea of going on a trip by myself for almost a year. Every time I thought about it I squashed the idea because I felt that it was vain, self indulgent and quite frankly a little scary. How could I possibly have a good time by myself? I’m not outwardly social with people I don’t know and I consider myself nauseatingly boring. Yet,  I haven’t been able to shake this need to travel. Nowhere exotic, just this need to get on a plane and go somewhere, ANYWHERE (more on this in another post). Away from the obligation and responsibility of my life. Somewhere I can pretend for a millisecond that I have no one to care for except myself. Under perfect circumstance I would’ve preferred my husband to join me which would’ve make the decision to take the trip so much easier. But he has been dealing with a spike in anxiety which means getting on a plane is not an options for him right now. Instead here I am desperate to get a break and change of scenery, all the while feeling like he is holding me back. The real thing holding me back… is ME. My husband (bless his heart) is the most supportive man I’ve ever met. He, in fact, has been encouraging me for the last few months to book some time away and give myself an opportunity to recharge. I love and hate him for this. He is perfectly content to stay at home with our children, with no request or need for a break. While I, on the other hand, I have a desperate need to escape the responsibility of parenting and adulting in general. My guilt increases 2-fold here. Once, for wanting to leave my family for a few days and another for spending money on myself to go on this trip. Needless to say the back and forth in my head of whether to go or not has been exhausting. Continue reading

Broken

Here’s the thing… when you least expect it life hands you a big ol’ bag of lemons. It’s been a while since my last post (almost 2 months, shame on me). Life has been challenging me in new ways and I’m learning the hard way how relentless it can be. The moment the doctor looks at you and uses the words “depression” and “medication” in the same sentence. How do you respond? Is there a right answer? I can’t say I was surprised by the suggested diagnosis, what I was shocked about was the immediate relief I felt. I was relieved that perhaps this rotten feeling that seems to be absorbed into every ounce of me, isn’t what being an adult/parent/wife is supposed to be. Now on the flipside, I’m not crazy about being unnecessarily medicated, and there are obvious fears associated to that. But to know that there might be something outside of my control that needs fixing, makes me feel like there is hope. Continue reading