Here’s the thing… when you least expect it life hands you a big ol’ bag of lemons. It’s been a while since my last post (almost 2 months, shame on me). Life has been challenging me in new ways and I’m learning the hard way how relentless it can be. The moment the doctor looks at you and uses the words “depression” and “medication” in the same sentence. How do you respond? Is there a right answer? I can’t say I was surprised by the suggested diagnosis, what I was shocked about was the immediate relief I felt. I was relieved that perhaps this rotten feeling that seems to be absorbed into every ounce of me, isn’t what being an adult/parent/wife is supposed to be. Now on the flipside, I’m not crazy about being unnecessarily medicated, and there are obvious fears associated to that. But to know that there might be something outside of my control that needs fixing, makes me feel like there is hope.
I’ve always believed I was broken somehow. I have no idea when that thought even entered my mind. That thought over the course of my life has manifested itself into a deep cavern within my identity. I’ve never felt like a whole person. I’ve learned how to become a bit of a chameleon. I’m very good at taking on characteristics of those around me so that I can better fit in and be liked. I enjoy being social but the reality is I’m good at being alone, too good. Sometimes forcing myself into social situations can be challenging as I am constantly second guessing myself, wondering what others are thinking. Always worried that I will say the wrong thing, or come off as stupid. I still don’t know how to fix these things or if they are intrinsically who I am, but I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I really should’ve been able to foreshadow my own diagnosis for quite sometime…
At the end of the day, I’ve given myself some goals and I’m working with my husband to try and make some changes to our lifestyle. Changes that will encourage (or force) me to take some time for myself, will inject more physical activity into my week and with any luck help shake my mood disorder. The thing is I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might need help. I can do all of the right things and still end up on the wrong side of the equation mentally and emotionally. I no longer feel like I’m wandering aimlessly and living my life on autopilot. I’m lucky enough to be supported by my amazing husband and I now have the tools I need to be better.
A mentor of mine sent me this passage via text sometime ago… it resonated with me then, and has every time I’ve looked at it since.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.” AMEN.